We had a family vacation in Hawaii last week. Each of us had our own carry-on, and I didn’t remember which one was mine because my son and I had the same color.
My son said I was using his carry-on, but I insisted it was mine. Still, I’m thankful that I asked him a second time, “What makes you so sure this one is yours?”
He calmly explained that he got that carry-on when he was 12 and had been using it ever since. He added that he and his sister had the same style, just in different colors—which made him certain I had taken his by mistake.
My daughter backed up his story.
I struggled a bit to admit I was wrong because I had completely forgotten that I bought a new carry-on after my old one broke during a trip years ago.
On the last day of our trip, I apologized to my son and admitted my memory about the carry-on was off. He gently replied, “It’s okay, Mom.”
Asking that second question gave me space to really listen to my son and allowed my memory to catch up through the conversation. It helped us avoid an unnecessary argument—and protected our relationship in the process.
I really like to ask them about their knowledge, and opinions. For some, first this feels that I try to put them on the spot, and see if they fail to have the "good " answer.
But then when they realise that I have a very different, respectful and positive intention, they open up even more. And they often surprise me with the depth of their research, or how well they know my field.
Not exactly Ask-Offer-Ask, but still a good reminder of how much we can learn by simply inviting someone to share what they know.
I was talking to a fence contractor about a new fence for my backyard and shared my interest in using untreated red cedar from nearby Arkansas. He told me it would be too expensive and that he could get pressure-treated pine from Lowe’s for a lot less. I asked what he knew about chemicals leaching from treated lumber, and he became a bit defensive—said it was completely safe, didn’t harm people or pets, and that using more expensive lumber didn’t make sense. I got a clear message he wasn’t interested in discussing the safety or potential risks, so didn't push the issue any further. My question was a respectful way to open the door—just enough to see where he stood.
I did witnessed a coach say in practice today, “you are unsure that antidepressants are going to work or even good for you considering the stigma, what do you know about antidepressants?” The client created next steps straight away at this point in the conversation. Pretty cool to see happen live! I also find myself saying “is it okay with you” often in my personal and professional life; more so now than ever and that’s also pretty cool! 😎
Oh my, this couldn't have come at a better time. On my journey to being more effective, I have found that just yesterday I was guilty of unsolicited advice not once but TWICE. This reminds me over and over that PRACTICE makes BETTER but not to expect perfection of myself. That is only an illusion. But IMPROVEMENT, that is my new goal.
We had a family vacation in Hawaii last week. Each of us had our own carry-on, and I didn’t remember which one was mine because my son and I had the same color.
My son said I was using his carry-on, but I insisted it was mine. Still, I’m thankful that I asked him a second time, “What makes you so sure this one is yours?”
He calmly explained that he got that carry-on when he was 12 and had been using it ever since. He added that he and his sister had the same style, just in different colors—which made him certain I had taken his by mistake.
My daughter backed up his story.
I struggled a bit to admit I was wrong because I had completely forgotten that I bought a new carry-on after my old one broke during a trip years ago.
On the last day of our trip, I apologized to my son and admitted my memory about the carry-on was off. He gently replied, “It’s okay, Mom.”
Asking that second question gave me space to really listen to my son and allowed my memory to catch up through the conversation. It helped us avoid an unnecessary argument—and protected our relationship in the process.
I really like to ask them about their knowledge, and opinions. For some, first this feels that I try to put them on the spot, and see if they fail to have the "good " answer.
But then when they realise that I have a very different, respectful and positive intention, they open up even more. And they often surprise me with the depth of their research, or how well they know my field.
Not exactly Ask-Offer-Ask, but still a good reminder of how much we can learn by simply inviting someone to share what they know.
I was talking to a fence contractor about a new fence for my backyard and shared my interest in using untreated red cedar from nearby Arkansas. He told me it would be too expensive and that he could get pressure-treated pine from Lowe’s for a lot less. I asked what he knew about chemicals leaching from treated lumber, and he became a bit defensive—said it was completely safe, didn’t harm people or pets, and that using more expensive lumber didn’t make sense. I got a clear message he wasn’t interested in discussing the safety or potential risks, so didn't push the issue any further. My question was a respectful way to open the door—just enough to see where he stood.
I did witnessed a coach say in practice today, “you are unsure that antidepressants are going to work or even good for you considering the stigma, what do you know about antidepressants?” The client created next steps straight away at this point in the conversation. Pretty cool to see happen live! I also find myself saying “is it okay with you” often in my personal and professional life; more so now than ever and that’s also pretty cool! 😎
Oh my, this couldn't have come at a better time. On my journey to being more effective, I have found that just yesterday I was guilty of unsolicited advice not once but TWICE. This reminds me over and over that PRACTICE makes BETTER but not to expect perfection of myself. That is only an illusion. But IMPROVEMENT, that is my new goal.