My master Krav Maga and Muay Thai instructor often reminded me, “Don’t overthink—just do it.” Through years of practice and repetition, this advice helped me develop “muscle memory,” allowing me to act without overanalyzing.
However, learning MI felt different, especially at the beginning. I found myself caught up in thinking or suppressing my urge to ask questions too quickly. I focused on reflecting first and following frameworks like OARS, DARN-CAT, Ask-Offer-Ask, and Readiness Rulers. The more I tried to adhere to these rules, the more I noticed myself losing connection with the client’s conversation. This wasn’t beneficial for my learning or for my clients.
So, I began integrating MI into my “muscle memory,” letting it flow naturally within client conversations. This approach worked, and I found freedom in combining MI with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Compassionate Inquiry without conflict. I realized that prioritizing the client’s interests and benefits is key. Any technique or skill we learn serves to enhance mutual understanding and support, ultimately helping us serve our clients better.
Pei-Fen, I love how you applied your martial arts wisdom to MI - sometimes the frameworks need to become invisible so the real connection can happen. Such valuable insight. - Sky
I am actually impressed when people say they are thinking about MI techniques when talking to someone. I actually cannot do that. I get so thrown off, I have to stop immediately. I feel so guilty about it and then I read something like this and I feel really encouraged. Thanks,Sky!
I am glad that Flow ofen comes up in these conversations. I like this quote from Csíkszentmihályi (I know, it is a strange Hungarian name😊) :
"Most enjoyable activities are not natural; they demand an effort that initially one is reluctant to make. But once the interaction starts to provide feedback to the person's skills, it usually begins to be intrinsically rewarding."
When you want to give (unsolicited) advice, when you want to interrupt, and say something "important" AND you stay quiet. AND you reflect instead of all of that, first it doesn't feel natural.
But, as more and more (MI) becomes second nature, it is absolutely rewarding.
János, that Csíkszentmihályi quote is perfect for this! You've captured something so essential about MI: that initial resistance we feel when we want to jump in with advice or interrupt, and how unnatural it feels to just reflect instead. But you're absolutely right that once we start getting feedback from our clients about how much more they open up when we stay quiet and reflect, it becomes intrinsically rewarding. The flow state in MI conversations is such a beautiful thing to experience. - Sky
I am really trying to relax when I’m with a practicum client. I find it really hard when I know I’m under scrutiny. Having my sessions recorded and shared with classmates. My inner critic screams at me. She’s never right though because I get nothing but kind feedback. In the past, when I was with clients as a case manager I was always fully present. Transcendent moments often filled my office. Being present with your client is so powerful. And the conversation flows so smoothly. I know this awkward, “cringe” student intern will pass. I just need to remember to tell my inner critic that I know myself better.
My master Krav Maga and Muay Thai instructor often reminded me, “Don’t overthink—just do it.” Through years of practice and repetition, this advice helped me develop “muscle memory,” allowing me to act without overanalyzing.
However, learning MI felt different, especially at the beginning. I found myself caught up in thinking or suppressing my urge to ask questions too quickly. I focused on reflecting first and following frameworks like OARS, DARN-CAT, Ask-Offer-Ask, and Readiness Rulers. The more I tried to adhere to these rules, the more I noticed myself losing connection with the client’s conversation. This wasn’t beneficial for my learning or for my clients.
So, I began integrating MI into my “muscle memory,” letting it flow naturally within client conversations. This approach worked, and I found freedom in combining MI with Nonviolent Communication (NVC) and Compassionate Inquiry without conflict. I realized that prioritizing the client’s interests and benefits is key. Any technique or skill we learn serves to enhance mutual understanding and support, ultimately helping us serve our clients better.
Pei-Fen, I love how you applied your martial arts wisdom to MI - sometimes the frameworks need to become invisible so the real connection can happen. Such valuable insight. - Sky
I am actually impressed when people say they are thinking about MI techniques when talking to someone. I actually cannot do that. I get so thrown off, I have to stop immediately. I feel so guilty about it and then I read something like this and I feel really encouraged. Thanks,Sky!
Exactly! It's like a whole seperate part of the brain (thinking vs doing). Glad this post is helping! - Sky
I am glad that Flow ofen comes up in these conversations. I like this quote from Csíkszentmihályi (I know, it is a strange Hungarian name😊) :
"Most enjoyable activities are not natural; they demand an effort that initially one is reluctant to make. But once the interaction starts to provide feedback to the person's skills, it usually begins to be intrinsically rewarding."
When you want to give (unsolicited) advice, when you want to interrupt, and say something "important" AND you stay quiet. AND you reflect instead of all of that, first it doesn't feel natural.
But, as more and more (MI) becomes second nature, it is absolutely rewarding.
János, that Csíkszentmihályi quote is perfect for this! You've captured something so essential about MI: that initial resistance we feel when we want to jump in with advice or interrupt, and how unnatural it feels to just reflect instead. But you're absolutely right that once we start getting feedback from our clients about how much more they open up when we stay quiet and reflect, it becomes intrinsically rewarding. The flow state in MI conversations is such a beautiful thing to experience. - Sky
I’d say the more I’m in this practice, the more lights turn on. In a room full of light, I hear the sounds of a chorus.
Melani, let's go for w whole laser light show! Such a perfect way to describe the magic of deepening practice. - Sky
Sky that’s an awesome visual-laser light show!
I am really trying to relax when I’m with a practicum client. I find it really hard when I know I’m under scrutiny. Having my sessions recorded and shared with classmates. My inner critic screams at me. She’s never right though because I get nothing but kind feedback. In the past, when I was with clients as a case manager I was always fully present. Transcendent moments often filled my office. Being present with your client is so powerful. And the conversation flows so smoothly. I know this awkward, “cringe” student intern will pass. I just need to remember to tell my inner critic that I know myself better.
Tiffany, that inner critic really is never right, is she? The contrast between your natural flow and feeling scrutinized is so real. - Sky
This article is SO good. So timely too! Finding the right balance between connection and theory.
Thank you Dana! - Sky