Day 200+41: When Behavior Feels Like Identity
The stories we tell ourselves, about ourselves.
I’ve been thinking about something that maybe makes change so much harder than it needs to be.
Sometimes we hold onto behaviors not because they’re serving us, but because they feel like part of us. A part of who we are. Or who we tell ourselves we are.
“I’m not a morning person.”
“I’m terrible with technology.”
”I’m not artistic or creative.”
“I’m just not organized.”
“I’m a worrier.”
Notice how different those sentences sounds compared to
“I have trouble getting up early” or
“I struggle with new software” or
“I worry about things sometimes.”
When behavior becomes identity, letting go feels like losing a piece of ourselves. Even when that piece isn’t helping us anymore.
I think about the client who said “I’m a smoker trying to quit” instead of “I’m someone who smokes but wants to stop.” Or the person who said “I’m just not good at relationships” rather than “I’ve had some challenging relationship experiences.”
The first version makes change feel like betrayal.
The second version makes change feel like growth.
Your behavior is not a permeant condition.
It is a statement of who you are at this time, but not who you are always.
In MI, we’re always listening for how people talk about themselves. When someone says “I’m the kind of person who...” we’re hearing identity language. And identity language usually comes with rules about what that kind of person can and can’t do.
It affects how we think of ourselves.
And what we believe about what we are capable of.
And here’s what I’ve noticed about myself and about others: the same person who says “I’m not a runner” might walk three miles every evening. The person who says “I’m not creative” might cook beautiful meals or solve problems in wonderfully inventive ways.
Maybe the behavior isn’t the identity. Maybe the identity is just a story we’ve been telling ourselves so long we forgot it was a story.
Your Turn
What behavior in your life has gotten tangled up with your sense of who you are? What would it feel like to hold that behavior more lightly - as something you do rather than something you are?
Sometimes the first step isn’t changing the behavior. Sometimes it’s loosening the grip of the identity that’s keeping the behavior in place.
Wishing you permission to be larger than your labels,
Sky
Professional Case Consultation - This Thursday
Speaking of identity shifts, we have one space left for the Case Consultation Group that starts this Thursday. Sometimes we need support to see ourselves as learners rather than experts who should already know everything. Register here for the last spot
Fear of Feelings - Next Friday
Have you ever heard someone say: “I don’t do sadness” or “I don’t like to cry”? How do we stay present with grief and loss without getting overwhelmed by the stories we tell ourselves about what sadness means? Friday, April 18th, we explore “Fear of Sadness” in our Fear of Feelings series. The capacity to sit with someone in their sadness can be really helpful when exploring someone’s feeling about the Cost of the Status Quo (a form of Change Talk) More info
MI Basics - Starting Fresh in May
And speaking of not getting overwhelmed, our three-month MI Learning Cycle starts up again next month with MI Basics. You can learn MI fluency in a calm orderly way: learn a little, the practice for a month, then learn a little more, then practice a little more. Sometimes the best thing we can do is go back to the fundamentals. More info
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Identity Statements and Complex Reflections
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Go fom “I have no idea what I’m doing”
to “I’m finally getting the hang of this!”
We are all in this together
Sky Kershner, LPC, ALPS, LCSW, DMin
Assistant Professor, WVU School of Medicine
MINT Certified Trainer of Motivational Interviewing
AAMFT Approved Supervisor / Member IEDTA / PACT L2
304-220-0088 / www.wv-mi.com / the mi-ai practice space
Great post. This post reminds me about the importance of person first language when talking about others and yourself. Clients may hear people use derogatory labels or label themselves that way and feel stigmatized and shame. This could deter seeking help or desire to change. On the other hand, I have had clients tell me such labels are helpful to them, such as fostering identity in a support group like AA or NA they go to or serving as a reminder of what they have experienced in the past and could lose in the present. I imagine perception and sense of empowerment versus oppression play a role here. I fully believe person first language usually fosters a growth mindset though.
Today’s prompt led me to reflect on how easily we attach labels to ourselves—how we take them as truth and wear them as identity, as if they were permanent and unremovable.
Years of being a pen pal with death row inmates have taught me to see people from a more integral perspective—to look beyond the label of “bad” or “criminal.” Many of my pen pals on death row are survivors of profound childhood trauma. When the layers of self-imposed labels begin to peel away, their Buddha nature—the inherent goodness and potential within—starts to surface.
So often, they define themselves entirely by the crimes they committed, seeing no other identity beyond that. These labels become cages that keep them trapped in a loop of darkness and helplessness, convincing them they are unworthy of light or anything good. But that belief is not the truth.
It’s vital for all of us to cultivate the self-awareness to notice these labels and recognize our power to remove them. We are not the stories we’ve been told—or the ones we tell ourselves. Beneath every label lies a deeper, more whole essence waiting to be seen.