One Reflection, Then Be Quiet

Sometimes I talk too much

Day 200+ 82: One Reflection, Then Be Quiet

The hardest skill with a shut-down client might be doing less.

I’ve been away from this page longer than I meant to be. Funny how that works. The longer the gap, the bigger the next post has to be in my head, until it’s so big I can’t write it at all. So here’s a small one. A single thing I keep relearning.

Years ago I sat with someone who gave me almost nothing. Short answers. Long looks at the floor. The kind of session where you can feel yourself starting to sweat a little, reaching for the next question, and the next, trying to pry the door open with words.

I asked more questions. He gave me less.

At some point, mostly because I’d run out of clever things to say, I offered one reflection. Something simple. “It’s hard to be here.” And then, because I had nothing left, I just stopped.

The quiet stretched out. It got a little uncomfortable. I let it.

And then he started talking. Not because I’d found the magic question. Because I’d finally stopped firing them at him.

I think when someone is shut down, every new question can land like one more thing being asked of them. One more demand. A reflection is different. A reflection says, I’m trying to understand you, not get something from you. And the silence after it is not empty. It’s an invitation with the pressure taken off.

I’m still bad at this, honestly. The urge to fill the space is strong, especially when I’m anxious that the session isn’t “working.” But the times I manage to offer one good guess and then close my mouth, something usually opens.

Try this

Take today’s Daily Drill and practice the hardest part: one reflection, then a full breath of silence before you say anything else.

Your Turn

When you’re with someone who’s gone quiet on you, what’s your reflex? Do you reach for another question, or can you sit in the space?

I’d love to hear how silence works (or doesn’t) for you.

Wishing you the courage to say less,

Sky

P.S. We’re going deeper on exactly this tomorrow. MI Snack, part 2 on working with the non-responsive client. Come practice with us.

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We really are all in this together

Sky Kershner, LPC, ALPS, LCSW, DMin
Assistant Professor, WVU School of Medicine
MINT Certified Trainer of Motivational Interviewing
AAMFT Approved Supervisor / Member IEDTA / PACT L2
304-220-0088 / www.wv-mi.com / the mi-ai practice space