I think spending some time getting into the spirit of MI; aligning with our own values, taking some deep breaths, going within, taking a walk outside to clear thoughts; to enter a space with an empty mind. Even with all that intention setting, sometimes something else happens and old ways creep in, wanting to get it right, wanting the client to, fixing, trying too hard and as a coach you can feel sort of this loss of that spirit unless you catch yourself and even call out a reset. I’ve done that before and it’s helpful because it humanizes the conversation and both helper and client can pivot together. I think that level of engagement can create more trust.
Wow, thank you Sky!!! I am a-daily work-in-progress; thank you mostly to you, your generosity and loving kindness with our community/beyond! I am grateful!
Thank you for sharing how preparation could clear your mind, and even doing that, you feel like you falling back to previous "fixing" methods. I like the your thoughts how (accepting this) humanizes the conversation.
I experienced something similar, and maybe that's part of the journey. In the 4th version there's a sort sentence like "there's something cosy in the status quo".
Maybe in this context it means that sometimes we have to return to our bases to be able to build further.
Continuing with the sports skill parallel, skills can be broken down to components, often sequential ones. I'm just spitballing now, but maybe empathy goes something like this:
1) Identifying when an opportunity for empathy is there. (Iinternal)
2) Connecting with an appropriate experience, emotion, etc inside of you. (Internal)
3) Thinking about what to say/do -- how to express. (Internal)
4) Communicating accurate empathy. (External)
5) Reading/interpreting their reaction/response. (Internal)
6) Making any necessary adjustments based on the response. (External)
So it's probably not wise to expect yourself to go from "none to all". From going reawakening this innate human capacity/quality to jump to accurate empathy and adjustments in a dynamic conversation.
Not sure is this makes sense or is even on-point. It's just the result of my overly caffeinated brain dump :)
I believe it is possible to be born an empathic person, yes, but also possible to have built walls around that part of yourself for protection. Have you ever been in a social situation and a person sits next to you and suddenly starts unloading their whole life story to you whether you want to hear it or not? They sense that you are an empath and will listen without judging or offering advice. One of my best friends, who is also an empath, and I have set up a "rescue code/signal" in situations like that because it can be spiritually exhausting. But professionally, it is so much easier to learn about what makes the person "tick" when they feel that comfortable with you. MI teaches you what to do, by offering reflections at the appropriate time and guiding the conversation to help the person lead themselves in the direction of change.
When I consider the question, "Does a person want to learn to be more empathetic?" my answer is both yes and no.
Yes, for those who genuinely want to become better versions of themselves—who are willing to do the inner work required for growth.
But no, for those who have convinced themselves they simply aren't capable of empathy. They point to their family history, the way they were raised, the education they received, the values instilled in them, the beliefs they've internalized about who they are. These narratives become walls, barriers they've built so high they can no longer see over them.
Yet I think of what the Buddha taught: that all of us carry that luminous nature within—our capacity for compassion, for connection. We just need to unpeel the layers of armor we've spent years constructing as we grew up. Beneath those defenses, our true nature waits to be seen.
Still, there's a paradox I've noticed, particularly among those who pride themselves on being "smart helpers." When they set out to help others, they often focus more on accomplishing the task efficiently, cleverly, than on simply being authentic. Perhaps this is another way of looking at the question—another layer of armor disguised as competence.
I've come to believe that empathy already lives inside all of us. The question isn't whether we possess it, but how deeply we've buried it. And it's not a matter of if it will surface, but when—if we choose authenticity over cleverness, presence over performance. Sometimes the smartest thing we can do is stop trying to be smart at all.
Looking at this question again, there might be a number of different reasons why someone would want to learn to be more empathic. Some of them would probably be utilitarian/transactional, as in "What can I get from being more empathic (as a technique)?" Other reasons might be more socially supportive. I'm not sure what the right term to use here is. Maybe pro-social, as in "I want to be more empathic because I would value living in a world where there's more empathy."
I think spending some time getting into the spirit of MI; aligning with our own values, taking some deep breaths, going within, taking a walk outside to clear thoughts; to enter a space with an empty mind. Even with all that intention setting, sometimes something else happens and old ways creep in, wanting to get it right, wanting the client to, fixing, trying too hard and as a coach you can feel sort of this loss of that spirit unless you catch yourself and even call out a reset. I’ve done that before and it’s helpful because it humanizes the conversation and both helper and client can pivot together. I think that level of engagement can create more trust.
I admire how intentional you are with this Melani. And I see it really paying off!
Wow, thank you Sky!!! I am a-daily work-in-progress; thank you mostly to you, your generosity and loving kindness with our community/beyond! I am grateful!
Thank you for sharing how preparation could clear your mind, and even doing that, you feel like you falling back to previous "fixing" methods. I like the your thoughts how (accepting this) humanizes the conversation.
I experienced something similar, and maybe that's part of the journey. In the 4th version there's a sort sentence like "there's something cosy in the status quo".
Maybe in this context it means that sometimes we have to return to our bases to be able to build further.
Yes Janos thanks for sharing this. And maybe when you say “building further” that can also be the result of pausing more in the conversation.
"there's something cosy in the status quo” - great catch Janos!
Really good thoughts by everyone. It has me thinking about the parallels in developing any kind of sports skill.
1) Similar to, say, dribbling a ball, is indeed a learnable skill.
2) Environmental conditions, whether closed and predictable or open and chaotic, can nudge those skills.
3) Under pressure and stress, we often "fall" back to whatever level of training we have (or, like Janos said, our cozy place)
Continuing with the sports skill parallel, skills can be broken down to components, often sequential ones. I'm just spitballing now, but maybe empathy goes something like this:
1) Identifying when an opportunity for empathy is there. (Iinternal)
2) Connecting with an appropriate experience, emotion, etc inside of you. (Internal)
3) Thinking about what to say/do -- how to express. (Internal)
4) Communicating accurate empathy. (External)
5) Reading/interpreting their reaction/response. (Internal)
6) Making any necessary adjustments based on the response. (External)
So it's probably not wise to expect yourself to go from "none to all". From going reawakening this innate human capacity/quality to jump to accurate empathy and adjustments in a dynamic conversation.
Not sure is this makes sense or is even on-point. It's just the result of my overly caffeinated brain dump :)
Basically, a person can work on one sub-component at a time.
I like that, Jason. I am often reverse engineering things in psychology, and you've done a beautiful job breaking this down.
I believe it is possible to be born an empathic person, yes, but also possible to have built walls around that part of yourself for protection. Have you ever been in a social situation and a person sits next to you and suddenly starts unloading their whole life story to you whether you want to hear it or not? They sense that you are an empath and will listen without judging or offering advice. One of my best friends, who is also an empath, and I have set up a "rescue code/signal" in situations like that because it can be spiritually exhausting. But professionally, it is so much easier to learn about what makes the person "tick" when they feel that comfortable with you. MI teaches you what to do, by offering reflections at the appropriate time and guiding the conversation to help the person lead themselves in the direction of change.
Sounds like you have a good system in place. It can be hard to exercise boundaries when you're feeling full.
When I consider the question, "Does a person want to learn to be more empathetic?" my answer is both yes and no.
Yes, for those who genuinely want to become better versions of themselves—who are willing to do the inner work required for growth.
But no, for those who have convinced themselves they simply aren't capable of empathy. They point to their family history, the way they were raised, the education they received, the values instilled in them, the beliefs they've internalized about who they are. These narratives become walls, barriers they've built so high they can no longer see over them.
Yet I think of what the Buddha taught: that all of us carry that luminous nature within—our capacity for compassion, for connection. We just need to unpeel the layers of armor we've spent years constructing as we grew up. Beneath those defenses, our true nature waits to be seen.
Still, there's a paradox I've noticed, particularly among those who pride themselves on being "smart helpers." When they set out to help others, they often focus more on accomplishing the task efficiently, cleverly, than on simply being authentic. Perhaps this is another way of looking at the question—another layer of armor disguised as competence.
I've come to believe that empathy already lives inside all of us. The question isn't whether we possess it, but how deeply we've buried it. And it's not a matter of if it will surface, but when—if we choose authenticity over cleverness, presence over performance. Sometimes the smartest thing we can do is stop trying to be smart at all.
Looking at this question again, there might be a number of different reasons why someone would want to learn to be more empathic. Some of them would probably be utilitarian/transactional, as in "What can I get from being more empathic (as a technique)?" Other reasons might be more socially supportive. I'm not sure what the right term to use here is. Maybe pro-social, as in "I want to be more empathic because I would value living in a world where there's more empathy."