Day 200+ 71: Affirmations as Qualities, Values, or Needs
Three words for almost the same thing. Almost.
Toward the end of Wednesday’s MI Snack I asked Marcos a question.
Gabrielle Ruiz, our MINT trainer from Puerto Rico, had been telling us how she builds affirmations in Spanish. The word she reaches for is qualities. Cualidades. “You are really resourceful. You are really patient.” Quality language.
In MI I usually reach for values. “You really value cooperation. You really value your family.”
And Marcos, who is in Buenos Aires and one of our resident Non-Violent Communication teachers, reaches for needs, as is basic human needs. NVC trains you to listen for the universal human need underneath the surface complaint. “You really need to be seen. You really need rest.”
Three different words for almost the same thing. Almost.
Marcos started with the word needs. He pointed out that in Spanish, necesidad carries scarcity inside it. Need from a place of not-having. So when an NVC practitioner crosses from English to Spanish, needs lands heavier than it did at home.
He said qualities, by contrast, sounds almost scientific. You are describing something from the outside. Observing it.
And then he said something about values. With values you are inside the thing. You are committed to it.
I tried to say it back to him. What came out was: values are what is important to you. Qualities are something you have, whether they are important to you or not.
Marcos said yeah. Exactly.
I think the three words actually map three different MI moves.
Qualities is the move where you name something you see in the person. “You are really resourceful.” It is observable. It is from outside. It can land softly because you are not asking the person to claim it.
Values is the move where you reflect back something the person is committed to. “You really value your kids feeling safe.” It is inside them. You are putting words to something they would themselves stand behind.
Needs is the move where you reach underneath what they are saying. “You really need to feel seen here.” It is even further in. It is the soft place under the complaint.
Three different depths. Three different temperatures.
I think I have been using them interchangeably and they are not interchangeable.
And then there is Gabrielle’s other piece. Even when you find the right word, the content has to fit the culture.
If I tell someone you were really acting independently, I might think I am affirming them. And at the same time, if they grew up in a place where the collective comes first, I just told them they broke rank.
The same is true at the level Marcos was working at. You really need autonomy lands in a North American practice room in one way. It might land somewhere very different in a family-first culture, where you really need to be a good son is closer to home.
The vocabulary is a tool. The judgment about which tool to reach for, and what to fill it with, is the art of MI.
A 3-Minute Drill: Affirmations - Jim
If you want to try affirming someone in a conversation, I have a quick practice up. Jim loves to golf, but he has family obligations that he does not want to turn his back on. Try the free 3-minute drill and you’ll get a little feedback when you finish. Three minutes: Daily Conversation Drill.
Your Turn
When you affirm someone, which word do you reach for? Quality? Value? Need? Something else?
And does the word change when you change rooms?
Wishing you the right word for the right room,
Sky
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Sky Kershner, LPC, ALPS, LCSW, DMin
Assistant Professor, WVU School of Medicine
MINT Certified Trainer of Motivational Interviewing
AAMFT Approved Supervisor / Member IEDTA / PACT L2
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