Day 200+ 35: Relapse ...
How I fell off the wagon, and I'm getting back on.
I relapsed.
That feels weird to write, but there it is.
No, I’m not referring to my 35 years of sobriety. This slip feels like something more immediate and personal.
I relapsed from my intention to write something every day.
Eight days without writing. Eight days of telling myself “tomorrow I’ll get back to it” meanwhile time zones, international travel, and the blur of moving turned a few days into a week.
April 1st was our deadline to hand over the house to it’s new owners. Yesterday, driving away from our home for 23 years we were exhausted. I wish I could say it was a completely mindful departure, but in actuality there were so many last-minute things we were trying to take care of. It was just harried and a bit frenzied and absolutely exhausting.
And as we accepted the reality that the time had come and what was done was done and what was unfinished was unfinished, we left the key in the door, the remote controls on the floor, and turned away from all that we had built before.
It was and still is weird. We loved and still love that house. So many memories. So much fun with the kids. So many good times, a couple hard ones. All in all, a wonderful experience.
And at the same time, …
The yard had gotten away from us, the house was way too big for our empty nest, and it’s time for a new adventure.
It feels like such a relief to turn the house over to younger owners who will take it through a new evolution, hopefully, of love and of beauty.
And here, this morning, is the thing I’m wrestling with: I’m surprised how easy it was to give up my daily writing practice when stress rolled in. A little disappointed, actually.
Those of you who were with me from the beginning remember that the whole idea of the first 100 Days was to lock in the practice so the habit became automatic. I thought that had happened. You all gave me so much help and support through those first 100 Days.
Turns out it was more of a slippery slope than I realized. Moving to Costa Rica in the winter, my writing started dropping off because of the time change. Seeing my 9:00 a.m. East Coast clients at 7:00 a.m. in Costa Rica didn’t leave much room to write in the morning.
So it wasn’t like I just stopped immediately. It was gradual. Entropy started pulling the whole enterprise down, and I didn’t have the energy or the capacity to keep it going.
But here’s the thing about relapse or recurrence or having a slip on your good intentions: you can go back to any of the other stages of change at any point.
You can go back to contemplation and just thinking about it. You can go back to planning. You can go back to action. I’m not sure you could go back to maintenance immediately, but maybe you can.
So here I am, 7 a.m., a new day, a new location, looking out over a mountain that still has some snow on it, starting again.
And so glad to have you along for the ride with me.
Your Turn
We have in our community a number of very disciplined people: triathletes, martial arts black belts, professional musicians, parents. I’m curious: how does relapse play into your daily routines in your personal and professional life?
Maybe that’s what I need to remember - that getting back up is part of the practice, not evidence that the practice failed.
Would you share with me about your own experiences with slipping away from good intentions and finding your way back? I’m especially curious about those of you who maintain really disciplined practices - how do you handle the inevitable interruptions?
Wishing you a gentle return to whatever practice matters to you.
Whenever the time feels right.
Sky
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Sky Kershner, LPC, ALPS, LCSW, DMin
Assistant Professor, WVU School of Medicine
MINT Certified Trainer of Motivational Interviewing
AAMFT Approved Supervisor / Member IEDTA / PACT L2
304-220-0088 / www.wv-mi.com / the mi-ai practice space
A comment by email:
Welcome back, Sky! And from the bottom of my heart, thank you, for your vulnerability and transparency. You have been going some of life's top major stressors and the awareness and honesty you have around that is inspiring.
In 2023, I weighed almost 200 pounds and felt awful physically and terrible emotionally. I had been in the justifying phase around my health for years, and one day I woke up and decided I was going to do an experiment. Like many people, I tried to eliminate certain foods for two weeks to see how I felt. I reminded myself every day that I had a choice. I gave up sugar for the first two weeks. Then gluten. Then dairy. Spontaneously I was like Forrest Gump and "I just felt like running." Within about eight months I lost 40 pounds. Slowly. Intentionally.
Then at the end of 2024 we took a two-week trip to Germany and Switzerland. I didn't exercise, and decadent European baked goods became my staple, along with a glutenous finish at the Lindt chocolate factory in Zurich. I came back from that trip and surprise-surprise, I didn't feel like running. I went back to pizza and brownies any chance I could get. I instantly felt my addictive personality traits coming back at full force. But from almost 20 years of being sober I could see what was happening. I had gone from months of conscious decision making, action, and maintenance in a very mindful and controlled setting to a high-flying, fun, and spontaneous land of discovery. I went on a super fun trip of a lifetime and my controlled setting was gone.
What I realized was that my job was not to punish myself endlessly for slipping up but rather to reconnect with myself. To slow down. To embrace the fact that when I make big changes, I have to allow those changes to integrate into my way of being. It is pretty easy to make big changes when everything is going perfectly, but the real opportunities for growth happen when the terrain of life is uneven. And even though I can't control life, what I can control is how I show up for myself. I always ask myself, if this were happening to my best friend, how would I show up for them. With compassion. And 100% trust.
I have been with you since day 1 and being a part of this journey has truly changed my life for the better. What I have noticed over time is that there has been a deepening in the daily reflections. I believe that is because at the beginning there is so much to dive into. The possibilities are right there on the surface. But moving to the next layer takes time. Energy. Quiet. I am so grateful that you haven't written for the last however many days, because to me it means that you were being present with yourself. You were honoring where you were at. And it paid off because the email you sent out today had everything. It was real. It was relatable. It was authentic. You are a gift my friend.
With sincere gratitude,
Another comment via email:
Sky,
This is in response to your relapse request for input.
You described it well. Life things that ate away at your attention and intention, plus an emotional event with your house that effect the energy you can muster to stay on track. You said you felt harried and a bit frenzied and absolutely exhausting and so I wonder:
If we trust ourselves that what we did was a higher priority at the time and acknowledge we needed to (unconsciously but volitionally) calm our nervous system which behind the scenes was actually operating on our behalf.
I think this is how its supposed to work.
For this topic anyway, something like this suggests to me its OK to acknowledge and respond to that..give yourself some grace. Do not run negative tapes. Sky, I though 100 days was a stretch and whose to say a break to reassess is not exactly what you need.
Maybe enter the wheel again with "different" intentions and be enriched by the fact that you did so well for so long. Sometimes life gets in the way and we are called to be present and adapt to that to. I also note that if you miss it, then it was becoming hardwired. If you dont miss it, that says something different.
That said, this would be different if you lost your sobriety. That sir, is who you are now and not open to making rationalizations in the same way as this. But this experience may add to the data base of relapse awareness and prevention.
Focus at the positives of this.